I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Are these grass-fed oranges?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.