I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6