Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Bros before Ohioes
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”