Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.