We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My wife gives the best headache.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma