If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
selena gomez
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Lmfao
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!