Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
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me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Not helping
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.