I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”