When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
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I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Wait a minute
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET