me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
You Might Also Like
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I just tested negative for patience.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.