“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck