Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I mean…but I did
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID