[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
a public service announcement
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.