Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
tell em, edith-anne
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
the greatest twitter interaction
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Before & after 😅
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
don’t be scared
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am