They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Denise please return my vape pen
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.