I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
You can’t outrun your problems…
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Not now. I’m deglazing.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself