Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
bought wrong eggs
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.