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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The game has officially changed 😎
dictator is short for richard potato
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Only Americans understand
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.