Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.