I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good