“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.