[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”