Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”