Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be