Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes