Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario