“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
White parent Vs Arab parents
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!