I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?