What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”