Hey! This isn’t my car!
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“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?