“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.