Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!