The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”