[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
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me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.