*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
You Might Also Like
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Erm I’m gonna say no
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys