According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
This January has 47 Mondays
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman