Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
it was a valiant fight
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv