I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.