Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
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It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
This is painfully accurate 😅
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid