What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
You Might Also Like
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.