Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
You Might Also Like
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.