ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
his wife is probably gonna see that
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.