MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
This kid will have a bright future.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I am all good here, 😂😉
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit