Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*