I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
You Might Also Like
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine