[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.