When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
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[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice