[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.