My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.