When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Become ungovernable.